


"Winter Wonderland" - The Nightmare Before Christmas part 2.

by DivineVarod



Series: The Nightmare Before Christmas [2]
Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Childhood Memories, Childhood Trauma, Christmas, Episode: s05e03 Terrorform, Established Relationship, False Accusations, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2016-12-18
Packaged: 2018-09-09 06:27:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8879476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DivineVarod/pseuds/DivineVarod
Summary: The posse arrive at Christmas world where relations between Rimmer and Lister continue to deteriorate.In the end Rimmer snaps and tells Lister how he feels before making a horrible decision. It is only then that Lister discovers something that changes everything. But is it too late?





	1. Santa Claus is Coming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The visit to Christmas world isn't exactly as expected.

It was true Christmas, it was beautiful. Even Rimmer gasped when they entered. It was the most gorgeous planet they'd ever visited. Christmas World achieved the look every Santa movie would wish to have.  
  
“It's beautiful!!” Cat screeched going through the gate into the grotto.  
The second they set foot on the planet Lister, Cat and Kryten had turned into excited children, ambling about with big smiles touching stuff, looking at everything, having genuine fun. Huddled in his coat a shivering Rimmer wished he could be like them, he would love to enjoy this, it was so beautiful there. Despite himself he had a tiny chuckle watching the Cat joining in with a group of children to watch a pantomime, then diving in to the tinsel and decoration isles.  
  
Nearly hysterical the Cat stormed through the isles laying his hands on all that glittered.  
“This is mine!! I'm taking that and that and OOH!! THIS!!”  
Lister joined him on his spree: “To right Cat, the ship will look beautiful with this!”  
The Cat stopped to do a double take “Who's talking bout the ship? Think about how it'll look on ME! After I turn this into a suit the whole universe will be celebrating Catmas!”  
The Cat then made an elaborate showing of his designing plans – that included inbuilt Christmas lights that flickered woven in the jacket. Lister and Kryten watched and smirked at each other.  
  
Rimmer was quiet, in fact Lister noted, he had not spoken a word since the hallucination. He just walked at the back of their group in silence. Watching him trail behind with a tight look upon his face Lister's anger returned. _Rimmer wasn't even trying._ This would be the chance to talk, make up, but there he was; moping.

* * *

The reason Rimmer was quiet was because he was scared. Ever since he'd begun doubting his mind and had that weird hallucination he kept seeing things.  
A women in a black Victorian dress and veil was stalking him – he was certain. That man on that bench there – he looked like Santa - but if he was why did he glare at him? And that gnome, he swore it was following them, but every time he turned it round it was just a decoration.  
His anxiety rising he turned to Kryten - he had to talk to someone!  
“Kryten … Did you see that gnome when we first passed? I thought it was standing somewhere else …”  
“Perhaps there are a lot of them, sir …” That didn't help much.  
  
Cat had spotted the bearded old man too. He was reading on the bench in the middle of the centre, near a fountain with a wishing well.  
“Wow, I've found Santa!” The Cat cheered loudly.   
“Don't be absurd!” Rimmer hissed, trying to pacify his own fear. The old man glared at him again, Rimmer involuntarily stepped backwards and shivered.  
“He really does look like the Santa Claus the human race often depicted in books and movies, sirs.” Kryten chirped.  
Lister smiled broadly at the old man, the man smiled back and pointed at the wishing well. “Hey, smashing! A wishing well. Yoj know what, guys?! It's so great here. I'm gonna wish we could stay forever!”  
Rimmer froze. That would be his worst nightmare come true. "Let's go to the wishing well guys!!" Lister called out.  
  
Paralysed with fear Rimmer watched as Lister, Cat and Kryten took some coins and gathered together at the wishing well.  
Lister threw a coin: “I wish we could stay forever!”  
“Me too” the Cat cheered, throwing the coin.  
“I must agree sirs, it's beautiful!” Kryten threw his coin too.  
They all stared at Rimmer, he didn't move, didn't talk.  
“And Mr Rimmer too …” Kryten added cheerfully.  
“Well, if we must.” Cat smirked.  
  
Rimmer turned away stifly, he needed a moment alone. His head felt as if it would explode. He climbed a staircase promising a rest room.  
At the top of the staircase he froze again this couldn't be right; he'd dreamed about this place. No, more accurately: he had frequent nightmares about this place! He remembered that shouldn't walk to the other side because something horrible would happen. But he couldn't remember what or why - he couldn't remember! His legs were shaking so much he feared keeling over. He slowly turned round and descended the stairs at an agonisingly slow pace, his hands wrapped round the bannister in a death grip, too afraid to let go for even a second.  
“What's wrong sir?” Kryten asked, sounding concerned at the sight of the deathly pale shaking Hologram.  
“Don't know …” Rimmer whispered, his mouth dry.  
_Something was wrong with him. Lister, he needed Lister. Where was he?_ He saw him, with Cat still at the fountain. He staggered towards him.  
  
“Listy ...” Rimmer croaked in a terrified voice. “What?” Lister said more snappy than he intended. Rimmer took a deep breath. “I'm scared ...” Lister frowned. _Now what?_ “What the smeg you're scared of, man?” Haltingly Rimmer tried to explain it: “There is this gnome, it keeps following us, that Santa wants to hurt me ...” Lister looked at Rimmer for a second and jumped in. “You really are disturbed, aren't you Rimmer? That's not Santa, it's a nice old man reading. Look, he's smiling!” He waved at the man and the man waved back with a wink and a smile. “This is Christmas land, not some deranged place in your depraved weird mind. Calm the smeg down and let me enjoy this.” Rimmer whimpered silently and sighed. “Okay Lister.” He'd wanted Lister to hold his hand, to calm him, he needed him so much. But Lister was still angry. He decided he'd be quiet now, Lister didn't want to help him, he was alone.  
“Why does he always ruin things, why can't he act like a normal person, just once!!” Lister grumbled to the Cat. The Cat thought about this for a second then purred: “Well buddy he didn't want to come, you're the one that forced him. So in a way: you ruined this yourself!”  
Rimmer wrapped his arms round his body tightly: “Not long now ...” he whispered to himself.

Lister sighed, Rimmer did seem petrified and he had to admit the man didn't look well at all. He'd wanted to annoy Rimmer, if he was scared or ill there was no fun in it. Despite his anger he hated seeing him upset like that.  
“We're going home guys.” He said, glaring at Rimmer. "Apparently we just can't have fun, eh.”  
“Thanks a bunch, Goalpost head!!” The Cat spat at the increasingly depressed Rimmer while he pushed him out of the way as he quickly grabbed some more shiny things.

* * *

They walked back to the entrance and out of the building and into …  
“It's beautiful!!” Cat screeched going through the gate into the grotto.  
The others were stunned, when did the way out become the way in?  
They walked to the other door.  
“It's beautiful!!” Cat screeched going through the gate into the grotto.  
The other door again.  
“It's beautiful!!” Cat screeched going through the gate into the grotto.  
And again, and again, and again.  
“It's beautiful!!” Cat screeched going through the gate into the grotto.  
“This is getting odd now …” Lister mumbled.  
  
“You think!!” Rimmer snapped. He'd planned to say more, but he couldn't. His head burned, everything was swaying, his brain was rebelling, everything buzzed. There was panic, fear, then it all briefly went grey. Someone grabbed his arm, apparently he'd almost fallen over.  
“Sir, are you alright?” It was Kryten. Rimmer wondered why the Mechanoid was suddenly so kind and concerned about him. He didn't ask, he was grateful to have someone who cared. He accepted the supporting arm thankfully as he could barely walk.  
“It's still beautiful.” The Cat shrugged as the others became more uncomfortable. And it was, it truly was, until ...

* * *

Suddenly Santa stood in front of them, well … not exactly Santa, unless Santa looked like a wild eyed axe wielding maniac.  
“Didn't you wish to stay here forever?" The red clothed bearded figure bellowed. _"Boys from the Dwarf?”_  
“Oh smeg ...” Lister swallowed.  
Kryten's grip round Rimmer's waist grew tighter as he felt the Hologram go limp.  
“We were just playing bud!!” The Cat grinned hopefully at killer Santa.  
“A wish is not a toy. You offered to stay and stay you shall.”  
“Says who and who's army?” Lister demanded.  
“Says I and my army!!” Santa sneered evilly and suddenly dozens of angry looking gnomes appeared.  
“Good, just checking.” Lister smiled unconvincingly.  
  
As the gnome army moved forwards the four men stepped backwards. Weak with panic Rimmer realised that the staircase he'd feared was now their only means of escape. Fights were breaking out all over the grotto between Gelfs, BEGGS and various fantasy creature droids.  
They headed up the stairs. Seeing Lister at the top Rimmer remembered what happened in his dream and went to him as fast as his jellied legs let him. “Lister, stop, don't walk there!”  
“Are you smegging deranged Rimmer? We gotta flee man!!”  
“But … my dream!!”  
“To smeg with your stupid dream!!”  
“Buddy, look!!”  
Before their eyes the landing suddenly collapsed, and so did Rimmer. Cat and Kryten dragged him down the stairs, before they could give way. Mindless with fear Rimmer didn't respond to anything anymore.  
At the bottom of the stairs evil Santa stood smiling.  
“Why fight it? Christmas is not just for Christmas … It's for life!!

Then the earth shook and a terrifying creaking noise penetrated the hall. Everyone in the centre ran to the windows to see a glass dome rise over the planet, capturing everyone on it.  
“Perfect …” Lister sighed.  
  
Then, fir no good r re ason except to make things wirse, it began raining. A dirty red, ice cold rain.  
“Red on this jacket … I'll never live it down!” The Cat wailed.  
Rimmer still stood at the window, chewing his lip. He'd discovered something worrying outside, he beckoned Kryten and pointed.  
A horrified Kryten soon recognised it too: the exterior looked exactly like the inside of Lister's snowglobe. They were trapped inside the snowglobe.  
  
A sick feeling crept up inside Rimmer. He wished, he prayed. But it was the only logical explanation.  
“K … Kryten …” Rimmer wheezed, “did … did you say this was a … terraform planet …?”  
Kryten nodded, they stared at each other for a second in dull horror.  
  
Rimmer's nightmare kept growing as he found that Lister had overheard them and stormed towards him, eyes bulging.  
“What did you do?” Lister asked throatily.  
“I'm sorry …” The shattered Hologram whispered, he was so tired.  
Eyes wild with panic Kryten opened his mouth but was cut off before he could utter a word.  
  
“This isn't rain!!” Lister exclaimed as he reached out to catch some of the fluid into his hand. He tasted it and looked up in dismay. “It's Gazpacho-soup!!” All four of them now looked at Rimmer, he cringed.  
“So we're stuck in your mind again, are we? You had to make it all about you again, Officer 2.0?”  
“Sir!” Kryten began. “I really have to tell you some …”  
“Shut up Kryters, don't you dare defend him!” Lister barked. Then he returned to lashing out verbally at Rimmer.

“I thought I recognized Santa!!” Lister exclaimed in disgust. “Rimmer, Santa is your adoptive father mixed with the dude from The Shining!! What is wrong with you man? You turned Santa into a murderous bastard!! Rimmer, are you listening, Rimmer?!!”  
  
But Rimmer had clocked out, he just stood there numb in horror. Had he really done this? Had he turned Christmas world into a place of terror and disaster? He saw Listers mouth move but for some reason could not hear him anymore. Whatever it was he said, he looked angry. He had every right to be. He shook his head, trying to regain the power of hearing. “Insane ...” He thought he'd heard Lister say. Yes that about summed it up.  
“Gazpacho-soup?” He asked stupidly.  
  
“We're long past that conversation, Rimmer.” Lister said angrily. “I'm asking you why. Why do you always do this? Ruin things that are fun, just because you had a crap life?” Rimmer looked around him: the hall was covered in Gazpacho-soup, Santa was chasing an elf with a knife, children were crying, baubles were exploding, stables were on fire while toy soldiers were shooting at angels. Then an angry gnome bit Lister. This was ridicules, even for his mind.  
  
“I'm so sorry!!” Rimmer whispered again as he saw the others glare at him. He bowed his head in shame. For a second Rimmer wanted to get defensive: Was this really his fault? He'd never wanted to come, Lister had forced him. If they had just let him stay at Red Dwarf as he'd wanted … But did it really matter? Clearly his mind was out of control, this could have happened anywhere. He was a danger to others. Next time he might blow up Red Dwarf itself or kill Lister.  
  
He had to set this straight, he had to get them out of here. Feverishly he begun thinking of a plan, but his mind just kept racing, the faces of the others staring at him made him feel even more nervous. Then, without warning, the giant chocolate fountain begun rising from the floor.  
“Mr. Rimmer, please calm down.” Kryten implored.  
“Calm down??!!” Rimmer hyperventilated. “Calm down? How the smeg you suggest I do that?” They watched in horror as the fountain came closer to them.  
In desperation Rimmer stared at Lister – _all he wanted, all he needed, all it would take to calm him was Lister giving him that look telling him that he wasn't angry, telling him everything would be alright._ But all he saw was disappointment and anger.  
SMACK!! Something hard slapped Rimmer's face and suddenly he stared into the wrathful eyes of the Cat. “Any calmer, buddy?!” He asked challengingly. Looking into Cat's enraged glare did nothing to calm Rimmer's nerves; the third person to physically attack him today. Rimmer gasped and fought back tears. Still the slap had sobered him up somewhat and the fountain fell down. The fog of panic disappeared and he begun to think rationally. Then he remembered!! He had not made a wish, he could counter the wishes of the others and maybe restore some sense of normality.  
His body shaking uncontrollably Rimmer took a coin from Kryten and with a mighty effort he dragged himself to the fountain. He threw in the coin. “I wish we could all go home.” Then there was nothing ...


	2. Every Year Every Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An upset Rimmer wants to have things out with Lister while Kryten reveals a devastating secret.

The journey back to the Dwarf was silent, except for one strangled sob from Rimmer. No-one responded, no-one even looked at him.  
He never knew what had happened; after he had made his wish everything had gone black. When he woke up the entire planet was nothing but a dark barren landscape and they were the only ones still there. The only thing that proved that Christmas world had ever existed were the Cat's pockets stuffed with 'shiny things' and a rather pretty large pine tree twig the Feline had been playing with. Lister had stared at Rimmer and had shook his head: “Thanks a lot, Mr Grinch.” He said and then he and the others had walked away from him.  
  
After their brief silent flight the crew arrived back on Red Dwarf and marched Rimmer to the recreation room.  
“Rimmer, we need to talk.” Lister said as they arrived his voice sounding long suffering and tinted with frustration. Rimmer did not reply. “Rimmer, stop being childish. It's your fault, so you have no right to sulk!!”  
  
Suddenly something snapped: _He had no right? After all he'd been trough?_ It was too much, he couldn't take anymore. Rimmer's eyebrows rose as the colour of his eyes flashed to black. “You want me to talk Lister? Good, I'll talk, but if I do I want no interruptions. For once please listen to what I have to say – all of you!!”  
The sound of Rimmer's voice was strange, cold and strained. The others looked at each other and nodded. Then Rimmer spoke.  
  
“If you think so little of me, would think I'd willingly destroy something that means so much to you you really don't know me Dave Lister. I've never even as much as touched your smegging guitar not when you played it when I had a migraine, not when you broke my heart that first Christmas you were on the ship not even after you destroyed something that meant a lot to me.  
  
You wanted to know what Christmas means to me, Lister? Well, let me tell you a Rimmer's Carol. AS I said; I've never celebrated Christmas. A waste of time, my parents said. For me, not for my brothers. The same for my birthdays, they were ignored – they weren't even mentioned anymore after I'd turned four. A waste of time and I should be old enough to realise that. Christmas and birthdays were not for me. Once I still remember ... It must have been first or second grade and we were told we would all get to draw Christmas trees. I was so happy! I would stick mine on my wall in my bedroom and get to sit underneath it and have my own Christmas at last! But then the teacher suddenly got up and took away my drawing tools: my father had told the school I was to have extra maths instead of drawing and Christmas play. He took away my green crayon and gave it to some girl. There I was studying again while everyone else was drawing. Why did she get my green crayon? Why couldn't I have my tree? When I asked at home I got a clip round the ear. No holidays for me. They never explained why my brothers received presents and cakes and had friends over on all of those days, though.  
  
My present for Christmas? Something to eat without having to earn it. While my family had a banquet I had a slice of stale bread with a carrot if I was lucky. If I didn't get a carrot it was a punishment for whatever I'd done wrong that year. I was not allowed at the table, I was banished to the kitchen – the sight of me and my meagre meal would only remind my parents of the disappointment I was and ruin their fun. One Christmas I was locked in the basement for the day as I'd stolen a mince pie. I couldn't help it I was so hungry ... I still remember, it tasted so good. The next year, boarding school, my parents conveniently forgot to collect me. Two weeks in a cold empty building – I managed to break into the storage cupboard. I think it was one of the best Christmas dinner's I've ever had.  
  
Then when I joined the JMC I expected ... I'd hoped ... Well, let's just say that apart from being a waiter once in a while Arnold J. Rimmer wasn't exactly high on anybody's Christmas guest list.  
Certainly not yours, I found that out soon enough. And my last Christmas, my last Christmas alive I ... I ...”  
  
He faltered, it was something so painful he couldn't even express it in his deepest despair. “Let's just say it was one of the darkest moments of my existence. I never wanted anything to do with that smegging holiday again." To his annoyance his voice broke and pesky  tears demanded to be shed despite his hardest efforts to push them back. "But you promised Lister, you promised that this year would be different. Stupidly I believed you. But here I am, hated again, the outcast again. Accused of doing something I would never do. So excuse me if this season doesn't bring the obligatory smile on my face. I can't believe I even fell for it, let down my guard only to be hurt again. You don't know me – Lister-, and maybe it's best you never will.” Rimmer wiped his eyes and sighed. “Charles Dickens eat your heart out.” He wanted to turn to leave, then changed his mind and turned to Lister, looking him deeply in the eyes. “And for what it's worth: I was making a painting of that damn snow-globe, it was supposed to be a present for you.”  
  
Looking into his eyes as he spoke, seeing the raw hurt and despair Lister knew Rimmer was speaking the truth. He was also painfully aware that only realising this now might be too late. He'd broken Rimmer's heart.

* * *

Three pairs of eyes were staring at the trembling Hologram. Rimmer did not look at them, he turned away as a wave of pain overtook him. He had to be away, away from the pain, away from everything. He stormed off to his sanctuary – the Captain's Bedroom.  
  
“Rimmer!!” He heard Lister scream behind him. “Please, come back, I believe you.”  
  
“Too late,” Rimmer thought. “And you're still calling me _'Rimmer'_. Too much pain. It's too late.”

* * *

Lister was shaking, what had he done, how could he ever make this up?  
  
He wanted to charge after Rimmer when suddenly he saw black smoke coming from Kryten – the Android looked very upset. Lister recognised the signs – guilt overload! A sick feeling overtook him as he whispered hoarsely: “Kryten … What did you do?”  
“Oh Mr Lister Sir,” the Android wailed. “I'm so sorry!! I have to confess!! It was me!! I broke the snow-globe – it was an accident. I was picking up the laundry and the basket bumped it off the table and ...”  
  
Lister's stomach turned - he couldn't believe he was hearing this. “And you let Rimmer take the rap for it? Rimmer? While you know how fragile he is? For smeg sake, you stored his smegging memories when you and Krissy restored his mind! You've been warning me to take it easy with him! You've seen all those crap Christmases. You more than anyone!!”  
"I KNOW!" Kryten wailed. "I feel so guilty!! But I didn't want to tell you Sir, because ...”  
  
“Why, why couldn't you tell me? You heard I was accusing Rimmer – you could just ...”  
If androids could swallow then Kryten did, he had a difficult confession.  
“That was the point, sir … It was convenient ...”  
“What?”  
“With you and Mr Rimmer being so close these days there was hardly any time for us to …”  
Lister looked at Kryten with ice in his eyes: “You wanted me and Rimmer to fight just so I'd spend more time with you?"  
  
_“Smeg! What have I created!!”_ Lister thought and swallowed. He'd taught Kryten to break his programming. Taught him how to lie, cheat and feel and clearly it had backfired. He'd taught Rimmer to let his guard down and turned him into a broken wreck. Without realising he had made both of them emotionally dependent of him. He'd even changed the Cat without trying. In many ways he wasn't the independent free spirit he used to be, there was more need for company and more insecurities.  
  
All he had wanted was help them to be happy, feel better about themselves. Well, maybe, deep down inside he might have been selfish. Starved of company in deep space he needed something and maybe, at times, he wanted people to be how _he_ wanted them (needed t hem) to be and that could come at a cost of what they wanted themselves and their personalities and backgrounds. But helping them feel better had always been the most important force that drove him. How could things have gone so terribly wrong?  
  
He awoke from his revelry when he heard the conversation continue without him.  
“I knew all along.” The Cat beamed.  
Lister looked at him wearily and asked long suffering: “Then why didn't you say, Cat?”  
“I was waiting for him to say it.”  
“But you saw Rimmer was getting hurt for no reason!”  
“So? I was enjoying the show!!”  
Lister gaped open-mouthed at the smoking Android and the idiotically grinning Cat.  
“You two are unbelievable. Cat, I thought Rimmer and you were friends now?!!”  
“Doesn't mean I can't still have a little fun once in a while.”  
  
“Smeg, smeg smeg!!” Lister shouted desperately, punching a wall. How was this ever going to end well? “Give me one good reason not to smegging kill the both of you? What you did ..." He was too upset to finish the sentence and finished on a weak repeat; "what you did. And you, playing dumb? Any other day you can't stop smegging talking and when it matters you're silent?”  
Unsure where he was even going with this he leaned against the wall, the top of his head pressing against a locker.  
  
Who was he kidding? He was just as guilty as the two men in front of him. He'd accused Rimmer from the get go. _Why?_ It didn't even made sense. _Yes, it did_ a small voice told him: _It was easy, convenient._ He was dating him, in love with him and still Rimmer was the outsider, the obvious target. The amount of mental pain Rimmer must have been in to have caused him to terraform an entire planet into his snowglobe Lister couldn't imagine.


	3. In The Bleak Mid Winter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rimmer has done the unthinkable - can Lister save him and if so - will Rimmer ever forgive him?

Suddenly the Cat was clamouring for attention urgently. “What?” Lister asked annoyed. He was done with both these idiots.  
“Look, could you kill me and dildo head later? I'm getting a bad vibe about Goalposthead!!”  
As Cat said it Lister could feel it too.  
They all ran to the Captain's bedroom as fast as they could and knocked Rimmer's door several times, but no answer came.  
The Cat seemed to be getting more irate by the second so Lister ordered Kryten to force open the door.

* * *

Lister and Kryten blinked in surprise – the room was empty? Meanwhile, the Cat was at the bed in a flash. “Guys ...” he whispered sadly. He pointed at the note and a tiny lightbee that lay sadly on the huge bed. “Oh smeg …” Lister squirmed as he took the note. The words he read almost killed him.  
  
_“I thought I'd give you the present you've all longed for for so long. By the time you read this my data will be erased and you will all be free from The Grinch. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. Arnold.”_  
  
The words were written on Rimmer's sketching paper, unsure why Lister turned it around to find that on the back was … _the sketch of the snowglobe.  
_ Lister stared at it numbly: there it was, Rimmer's beautiful drawing!! Rimmer had been making this for him, while he didn't even have a gift for Rimmer. Admittedly he'd not really thought beyond forcing Rimmer into doing Christmas. He'd make it up to him, he had to.  
  
“Kryten, turn him back on.” The shaking and guilt ridden Android picked up the lightbee and fumbled. The smoke got thicker. “Kryten, I said turn him back on!!” “I can't sir, I can't!!” Annoyed Lister snatched the bee back from Kryten and pressed “on”. _Nothing!_  
That could not be good.  
  
Lister turned the bee in his hands and froze in utter horror. The lightbee had a countdown mechanism that was slowly going to zero. The lights of Rimmer's personality were slowly fading.” “Oh smeg … Rimmer," he whispered. "What did you do!!”  
  
An explosion – Lister didn't have to look to know it was Kryten. He stared at the lightbee, 40 minutes the countdown said. He had forty minutes to find a way to override this. If not, Rimmer would be dead - for good!

* * *

“I never knew lightbee's came with an auto-destruct programme?” Lister said to Kryten after he'd restored his head.  
“They don't sir.” The Android whined, before adding in stunned surprise: “Mr Rimmer must have created it himself.” That took Lister's breath away – the thought that Rimmer (who on the whole was completely a-technical,) had obviously been in so much pain at some point that he'd gone through the trouble of creating something that would give him a way out if he really needed it. Lister wondered if he'd accessed his Ace memories to do this, and if he had, that wasn't good.  
"There must be a code somewhere for you to stop this, Mr Lister sir, I am certain there is!!" Lister nodded. Certain that if there was it had to be in the Captains room, amongst his most beloved paintings.

* * *

“What are you weirdo's looking for?” The Cat asked shaking his head.  
“A piece of paper with the code, Mr Cat.”  
“What's it smell like?"  
“Probably despair … Or pain.”  
“The whole damn room smells like that!!” The Cat grumbled – that's why he found it difficult to stay there. The pain Rimmer emanated made him feel queasy. Still, he entered and started a sniff around the books, the drawers and in the desk. He felt nothing. He sniffed deeper and knew within seconds: it wasn't there, that was certain.  
  
Suddenly he connected, he jumped up and screamed to the others: “Not here guys, come on!!”  
He ran off so swiftly Lister and Kryten could barely keep up with him.

* * *

In the bunk room the Cat turned to Lister; “Your turn!” Lister didn't have a clue what the Cat was talking about, not that that was unusual. What was unusual was that the Cat hissed and glared at him in frustration.  
“Monkey boy, use your brain! What's he wanna live for, huh?!”  
When Lister did not respond the Cat threw Rimmer's sketch book at his head, it hit Lister roughly in the temple before it fell to the floor. Lister picked it up and begun leafing through it, unsure about what he was supposed to find and annoyed that the Cat seemed to understand Rimmer better than he did.  
  
So many drawings, all equally gorgeous, so many sketches of him. Could Arnold have hidden the code in one of them? Was he supposed to know which one? Suddenly Lister stopped at one of the portraits Rimmer had made of him.  
There was something different about this one – the Lister in this painting had a lightbee in his hand, Rimmers lightbee.  
Another pang of guilt hit Lister: had he ever shown any real interest in Rimmer's art? These sketches were beautiful and he'd never seen any of these. He studied the drawing and suddenly noticed something scribbled in the right-hand corner in minuscule copperplate: _“If you find this, I'll know.”  
_  
“Smeg,” Lister muttered. “What the smegging smeg does that mean?”  
Cat groaned in annoyance at Lister's apparent stupidity. “I really hope Goalposthead isn't counting on you growing a brain before he dies!” Lister glared at him, the Cat sighed. “It means you know the code, hamstercheeks!”  
  
_Now what?_  
  
“I do?”  
  
Lister was annoyed that he sounded so idiotic, no way was the Cat supposed to be cleverer than he was! No way was the Cat supposed to understand Rimmer!  
Sadly both no way's were happening at this very moment and he had to suffer the Cat talking for Rimmer's sake. Thankfully the Cat didn't seem too happy about the situation either. “I can only say this once, or else I'll vomit a neat pattern on this floor.” the Feline said with difficulty. “Monkey,  YOU are the code!” and then he almost vomited anyway.  
  
Lister was dumbfounded, he just stared at the Cat. HE was the code? “Mr Cat could very well be correct Mr Lister sir." Kryten chimed in. "The code must be something that means enough to Mr Rimmer that it could give him a reason for living.”  
  
Lister stared at the tiny lightbee in his hands, the lights were fading fast. So Rimmer was counting on him to save him? Had always hoped he'd save him? He was the code? Well, great code he turned out to be! He was the one who'd driven him to suicide in the first place!!  
  
His eyes fell on two pictures that lay on their bunkroom table. He remembered: they were the pictures they had made on the day they'd cleaned their bunk. Rimmer had looked so sweetly stunned when he'd said he wanted a picture of him too. The bright loving eyes, the genuine smile. It was probably the last time in weeks that the man had been truly comfortable …  
Remembering the contrasting look of devastation and hurt on the Holograms face when he'd accused him and that last look of despair and disappointment before he'd left to switch himself of nearly drove him to tears. How could he not have believed Rimmer?  
Even if he was right how was he ever going to win his trust again?  
Lister suddenly saw the broken mug laying in a puddle of slowly drying coco, the four mince pies between the shards of the broken plate. _Broken._  Like he felt, broken as he had broken Arnold. Now tears _did_  slid down his cheeks.  
Rimmer had never eaten any of the Christmas food as long as he'd known him. The fact that he had wanted to now proved how far Rimmer had come in slaying his demons that year. _"And I smegging brought them back ..."_ Lister thought, wondering if Rimmer would ever want to eat mince pies again.  
  
“Yeah, turning into a statue with five minutes and counting left, that's really helping the guy!” The Cat pushed Lister out of the room. “Get your fat legs to the projection room, you brainless baboon!”

* * *

One chance, six letters.  
  
Lister was shaking, if they'd got it wrong Rimmer would be dead.  
  
50 seconds …  
  
No time to find an alternative, it was now or never.  
  
“Six letters ...” He thought.  
  
“Here goes nothing. Or actually: here goes everything …”  
  
He swallowed and typed.  
  
Six letters, what else could it be?  
  
He typed.  
  
“LISTER”  
  
He swallowed again.  
  
He pressed “enter”.  
  
He held his breath.  
  
Kryten held his breath.  
  
Even the Cat, despite claiming he was certain, held his breath.  
  
After what seemed like an eternity, but it was only five seconds, a tired beep came from the lightbee.  
With two seconds left on the counter the countdown faded away and the lights slowly returned to their normal brightness.  
  
Relief.  
  
“Kryten, remove that programme!” Lister ordered. He didn't want to make it easy for Rimmer to pull a stunt like that again, the suicide programme had to be gone before he turned him on again. Kryten nodded and set to work deleting it.  
  
Even though he had saved him, Lister was scared to switch Rimmer back on. What could he possible say to make things up with him after hurting him to the point of suicide? Also he couldn't shake off the annoyance of the Cat figuring it all out; _the Cat understanding Rimmer better than he did._  
  
“Cat …” he begun. “How …?”  
  
He was shocked to see a look on the Felines face he'd never seen before: understanding, kindness and … sincerity?  
  
“I'm a Cat monkey, I have instinct.” The Cat said softly. He put his hand on Lister's shoulder and looked him in the eye. “Buddy, he wanted you to figure it out. Don't you ever tell him it was me.” And with that he was gone.  
Leaving Lister alone with Rimmer's lightbee.


End file.
